


Regret

by mittamoo



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-24
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-12-05 06:14:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11572062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mittamoo/pseuds/mittamoo
Summary: There are so many things in life that Aaron regrets, but most of all he hates that he ruined his friendship with his best mate all because he couldn't keep himself in check





	Regret

**Author's Note:**

> Day 1 (24th July) - Aaron ships (any romantic pairings with Aaron, both canon and non-canon)  
> Will I ever write something happy?

At first he doesn’t even notice it happening, or maybe he does and he’s just gotten really good at fooling himself as well as others. He should have known that this _thing_ that’s wrong with him would get in the way. Something in his head is twisted and broken, something his dad had put there, that makes him look at other boys and think things he should only think about girls. It’s disgusting. He’s Disgusting.

Only when he’s with Adam it doesn’t feel disgusting. He just likes Adam’s smile, he likes it even more when he’s the one to make Adam smile or make him laugh. When he does, Aaron feels almost weightless and it’s almost as if he can forget everything bad in his life, it’s just him and Adam and no one else- nothing else matters apart from them. The disgust and self-hatred come later, after he’s gone home and he realises how long he’d spent thinking about Adam’s mouth. When he realises how much Aaron would like to kiss that mouth. It hits the worst when he wakes from dreams of Adam’s mouth and laugh and touch, sweating and hard and ashamed. Those are the nights he needs to punish himself, because he needs to train himself out of this behaviour and make himself better.

Aaron doesn’t tell anyone this, he just keeps it locked up tight with all the other hurts and secrets never to be told. He knows what’ll happen if it comes out, his mum and family will leave all over again, Paddy will throw him out. They’ll all know how sick and twisted he is. _Adam will hate him._ He can’t have Adam hate him, he can’t. Adam is the best thing in Aaron’s life, he’s everything that’s good in the world. If Aaron wasn’t so dirty and broken he thinks Adam would make him better too. He’s so scared of being alone and that’s exactly what will happen if he ever tells anyone.

He has it all under control, until he doesn’t. Until they go for a night out, and at first Aaron’s flying high because Adam’s attention is on him and him alone and he feels special and important. He’s still in a good mood because he really has Adam all to himself now. Even when the crash happens he’s not that upset, he’s shaken and there’s a stinging pain over his eye but he is _fine_. Then Adam has a hand on the back of his neck and Aaron’s seen this situation play out in his head before. He doesn’t even have time to think before he’s leaning in and everything comes tumbling down around him.

The disgust and anger on Adam’s face is something he had never wanted to see but Aaron had been the one to put it there. Adam was his best mate and he just had to go a wreck it. He wishes he could be normal and think normal things and fancy Holly properly, the way that he should. It’s the closest he’s ever come to doing something like that and the amount he wanted it was terrifying. He both hates and loves Adam for pulling away. Now he has to deal with the hurt looks and angry accusations that are being shot at him, Aaron deals with them the only way he knows how to deal with anything; he denies anything ever happened. Maybe if he pretends hard enough Adam will forget and they can just go back to being mates again.

Adam won’t get back into the car with him. It hurts because Adam doesn’t trust him now. It hurts because he knows how Adam must see him now, as an evil twisted pervert, as a predator. It hurts the most because Aaron, well, Aaron knows that he’s right.

“It’s sick” Adam spits at him, the _you’re sick_ goes unsaid but Aaron hears it none the less, he takes it to heart because he already knew it but hearing it from Adam makes it more real somehow.

Aaron gets into the car alone, he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do. As he drives away, he panics and makes a bad decision, an impulsive decision. He drives directly at Adam because nobody else can know what Adam knows now, when Adam dodges the car he doesn’t know if he should be thankful that Adam is alive or terrified because Adam is alive. He doesn’t know what to do. In the end he doesn’t drive straight home to face the music and yet another rejection, instead he pulls into a layby, his lighter clutched tightly in his right hand.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments and feedback are always loved!


End file.
